Do you really have 6 kids????

This is a question I hear all the time. It's often accompanied by a double take and a general look of shock, disbelief, and sometimes pity. I suppose I am not surprised by people's reaction. While 6 is not a particularly big number, apparently it is in conversations about reproduction. Add to the fact that most people don't think I look old enough to have fathered 6 kids and the reactions are to be expected. Of course, there is also the other questions such as "You do know what causes that? Dont you?" but that topic will have to be saved for another time.

Still... it's quite amusing to see people's reactions. I love to play guessing games with people I have just met who dare to ask me how many kids I have. Especially, if someone else I know is nearby. My friends seem to enjoy having that little bit of inside information. They also seem to get some sort of perverse thrill watching others struggle with this relatively simple little game. (Hmmm, what does that say about my friends?) Anyway, back to the guessing game.

"So, Scott how many kids do you have?"

At this point, I know I have them! I try not to smile too much but I'm certain a small smirk must cross my face. Then the fun begins!!


"Well, tell you what. Why don't we play a little guessing game. How many kids do you think I have?"

While, I do not know for sure, I would guess a couple things run through their minds at that moment. 1. "Shit, what did I get myself into?" or 2. "This guy is not all there!" They are probably right on one of those accounts, but regardless, no one has ever turned down the chance to play my guesing game. Suckers!!

After some thoughtful and deep pondering, "Ummm, 2?"

No one has ever started with a high number, it's always 1 or 2. They sit and stew as if doing some sort of complicated calculations in their head and then...2.

"Nope," I reply with a touch of smugness.

"Three?", said with trace of hope, as if they are are hoping this dreadful game will be over.

"No."

At this point, the guesser usually stops and starts to get a concerned or nervous look on their face. I'm not sure what that is all about, but it happens all the time. Could they be worried I'm going to ask for a financial contribution? Or worse yet, maybe they fear being asked to... *gasp*... babysit. If one of my friends is nearby, they will also turn to them with this pleading look in their eyes. Maybe it's a silent plea for help or perhaps... again..."This guy is not all there!"

Whatever the case, it's at this moment where the guesser then has to decide how they are going to play out the rest of the game. Three seems to be the magic number. Anything above that seems to confound and confuse people. Surely, he really can't have more than 3 kids?? That would be... unbelievable... inconceivable... I think that is why most people stick with moving up by one number each time. No one seems to dare to go from 3 to say... 5.

"Okay, well...do you have... 4 kids?"

Again, I simply reply with a "Nope!"

"FIVE? You don't have 5 kids do you??"

Clearly, they have reached unchartered territory and the fear in their eyes is real.They want the game to be over, but can't imagine someone having 5 kids. Well, I guess they aren't going to like my next answer!

"Well, no actually, I do not have 5 kids."

At this point, I can not contain my excitement any longer, the thrill of the game has my blood rushing, I am grinning wildly, and there is a hint of craziness in my eyes. The guesser knows they are on the brink of realization and it's almost as if it is too much to bear. They want the game to end, but are fearful of the truth. What will happen to them? Will their sanity crumble under the weight of their newfound knowledge? Will they run away screaming? Will they faint?

"Do you have six kids?" they say it quickly, as if it hurts too much to just say the words, let alone think them. Kinda like when you have to pull that Band-Aid off your arm.

"Yes, I really do have 6 kids," I reply, smiling.

There is always a moment of silence then. While I stand looking proud, and the guesser stands looking shocked, confused, and sometimes a little scared. Sometimes, they go to say something but the words just stumble out of their mouths in jumble of noises. Other times, they stand with their mouth dropped open and a glazed look in their eyes. A few smile, politely, like you would if you met a crazy man and were afraid of saying something to set him off.

Some laugh nervously (mostly the men) as if to say better you than me, man. Some take a step backwards (mostly the women), as if they are afraid I am contagious. A few are genuinely happy and say very sweet things. Then there are those who say something really stupid that I could never imagine saying to someone. Most of them, in the back of their minds are probably thinking, "This guy is not all there!"

And they are probably right to a certain degree...but think about this, I had the easy part! Someone had to give birth to those 6 kids and I can assure you it wasn't me! I can only imagine the reactions that my wife must get!

-Scott